my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
