I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
When did angry sex become our thing?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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