1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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