Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
