lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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