The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
