My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I came so hard my ears popped.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize