At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
