sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
