Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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