just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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