I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I can't turn off my feet"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
