woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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