Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
