I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
They took my balls.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
