Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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