I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
