I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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