I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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