I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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