When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
