I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
