Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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