i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
