her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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