he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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