Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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