i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
