slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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