I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
