My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We have started to decorate penises.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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