He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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