Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Boobs speak an international language.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
