I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
