Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
