I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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