i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
