i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize