It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
