Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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