Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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