I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
