I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
