I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize