The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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