why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
