Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
