Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
