i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
