i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
