you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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