Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
