I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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