If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
