If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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